life – The Next 38

I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness lately. Well, honestly, I’ve thought about happiness my whole life. Ice wanted to work out how to feel happy despite*things.* Despite having a difficult family of origin. Despite estrangement. Despite the stress of caregiving. Despite the economy. And now, despite the overwhelming everything we seem to be experiencing. The Emperor has no clothes and all of that.

But throughout all of these things, I’ve looked for how a person finds happiness. I’ve wondered what happiness is and what it isn’t. And over all of the years, I’ve learned the difference between bored, restless, wanting something different, and unhappy. Most of the first 19-20 years of my life were unhappy. Much of my adult life was learning how to be happy despite the start I had and despite things not being perfect.

And these days, I find myself quite content with my personal life. My little joys. My people. These days, I would describe myself as happy. But worried about the future for us all. And I wonder whether I can be happy while being very worried, anxious even, about the world around us? Should I feel happiness in the face of suffering that seems to have no end? Can I be both happy and sad about the state of things? And it seems that I can and do feel both. Happy while anxious. I still feel joy day to day while also being sad about the world.

Some days I watch the news and feel so sad or so angry. I watch The Pitt on HBO and think healthcare is so messed up still. I read about the loss of forests, species, and environmental protections, and I am mad. I see the suffering here and far away. But when I get up and drive to my little volunteer activities and talk to others, I have optimism. I have solidarity. I feel hopeful. I plant seeds and eat lunch in my backyard. And I order my little Star Trek DVDs and make tea to watch PBS murder mysteries with my husband, I feel content at that moment.

We cry. We dance. We laugh. We try again.

Now face west.

I am still here. Haven’t had much desire to write. I still remember when I used to write so much or think of so much to write about. These days, I don’t think of writing. I think more of gardens. And projects. And walking. And travel. I didn’t travel much for at least a year as I prepared for this return to California. Jobs, a home, moving-it was a big project.

Think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before.

We traded in our travel for being in one place. I thought it would be good to be close to the kids in these challenging times. Their adult lives are so very different from mine. I don’t know if I have any wisdom for these parts of their lives, other than I am here if you need me. The economy looks grim for young people. There is a lot of worry about finding and keeping jobs. 2 of them have already experienced layoffs previously. So I think it weighs more on their mind. Thankfully, they each have one for now. I was quite lucky to raise them with so much job security. But now we are only a few hours away from them instead of two states, and somehow that feels better.

If you are confused, check with the sun. Carry a compass to help you along.

So I work on my garden and try to plan what to grow and how to optimize water and sun. We recently got solar, which I am very happy with despite the expense. Next, I want to plan other energy and water-saving strategies. Things like using the washer water for the front yard. Drying clothes on a line in the summer. Changing our stove to electric. Window treatments that reduce direct summer sun. These things help me imagine that I am in control of aspects of our lives. But I realize that the last 6 years have taught us that some things are really out of our control.